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Sunday, June 29, 2014

Things Zaq and Company are no Longer Allowed to do in an RPG: 540-590

541: Not allowed to use explosive bombs while fighting onboard a wooden ship
542: Not allowed to take Favored Enemy: Party Member.
543: Not allowed to accidentally summon a hydra during an alchemy experiment
544: When accidentally summoning a hydra during an alchemy experiment, I am not allowed to shunt the blame onto an innocent bystander.
545: I have not been hired to assassinate another party member
546: Not allowed to name my character Beef Bowswag
547: Beef Bowswag does not refer to himself in the third person
548: I do not keep a “Rod of Detect Little Girl” in my pants
549: Not allowed to invent a Lawful Good deity named Satan
550: Plants do not make good spies
551: Having an extra mouth on my forehead does not allow me to get drunk faster.
552: Not allowed to name my alchemist Al Chemist
553: The male line of my lineage does not consist entirely of alchemists named “Al Chemist.”
554: Not even when “Al” reflects a different name each time
555: Not allowed to give Zaq ideas
556: Not allowed to invent a Potion of Ruffie
557: Not allowed to kill off NPCs just to reduce the number of names I have to remember
558: There is no such disciplinary measure as Cleric Detention
559: Not allowed to open my dialog with the phrase “Hail, good ho!”
560: Uttering “This statement is false” does not counterspell candles of truth.
561: “Giant Slugs” is not a valid investment strategy.
562: Nobody offers giant slug insurance.
563: Not allowed to include “Raped by the Catholic Church” as part of my backstory
564: My campaign does not contain “Flour-ish,” which functions exactly like flour except it cannot be used to create thermobaric weapons.
565: Not allowed to turn my captured enemy into my acolyte.
566: Not allowed to kill my acolyte.
567: Not allowed to use the phrase “Viking Funeral” as a euphemism for burning the evidence.
568: Impersonating an officer of the law is definitely illegal.
569: My campaign world does not contain “Catlets,” which function just like housecats but with nerfed combat stats.
570: My character’s goals do not include “Drive the DM insane.”
571: Not allowed to barricade the door by tripping every enemy that tries to come through.
572: Not allowed to use a candle of truth as a reality detector.
572: Not allowed to include a fully detailed account of the last campaign’s infinite time loop as a cursed tome in the current campaign.
573: There is no Orthodox/Reform schism in the Druidic Order, and even if there was, I would not be allowed to use it to justify borderline infractions on the Druid class’s gear restrictions.
574: Slaves do not count as 3/5 of a party member for the purposes of distributing loot.
575: I am not allowed to bring the ship back in two pieces
576: The space cops are not a race of humanoid pigs
577: No one is going to believe that I’m working for the guy who just put a bounty on my head
578: Not allowed to take advantage of Darth Vader’s low organic body mass with psychotropic drugs.
579: Not allowed to take out the Sun Crusher with a blaster pistol.
580: The Sith lord is not a space pimp
581: There is no force power “Force Pimp Slap.”
582: There is no roll for pregnancy
583: Not allowed to collect the bounty on myself
584: Not allowed to put my rhinoceros animal companion on an elephant mount.
585: My Pegasus mount is not named Minmaximillion the Pegasus.
586: My primary resource is not “The DM’s Hope”.
587: Nor is it the DM’s tears.
588: Not allowed to polymorph my familiar into an attractive member of my preferred sex, no matter how amazing Empathic Link might be in that situation.
589: Doing the above to the paladin’s mount makes me vulnerable to Smite Evil.
590: There is no Orthodox/Reform schism in the Monastic Order, and even if there was, I would not be allowed to use it to justify borderline infractions on the Monk class’s gear restrictions.

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